finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
