He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
