I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
