she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
