fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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