just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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