I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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