i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
