i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
