Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize