One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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