we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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