he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
They have beer where we have blood.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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