I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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