dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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