half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
