dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
