can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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