Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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