I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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