Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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