3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
A+ Viking dick
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
