I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
BRING THE BAGELS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
