I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
