He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
