Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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