Me. At least after what I've been through.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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