I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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