I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
