i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
