Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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