I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
