smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My vagina is officially offended.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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