ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
