hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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