i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
