I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
