how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
