Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
