do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
