He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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