im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize