You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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