Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
