my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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