apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
