If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
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