Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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