she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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