My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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