i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
