I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
