Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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