i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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