Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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