I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
