I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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