I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
...so i touched it.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
