Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
