I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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