i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
