I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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