FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
