people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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