So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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