The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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