I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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